Working Motherhood: Postpartum Reflections on Paid Parental Leave

“Misogyny is black mold
Toxic
Harmful to all
A festering sickness
A silent killer

‍

You may not realize it’s there
Until you find yourself
Without options
Hating yourself
Shame
Guilt

‍

What does it mean to bring a woman to her studs?
To wipe away the tar
To cleanse the inferiority
Right out of the bones”

‍

I’m lying in bed, a dim blue light glowing. The only source of light. I scroll through bottomless feeds feeding my anxiety. How to cut a grape for your 6-month-old baby? When can your baby sleep on her back? Why is there a red spot on my baby’s chest?

‍

It’s a low, steady drum of worry. Constant worry and fear. Intruding thoughts of the most unspeakable horrors. I get up from the bed and run on my tiptoes to the baby’s room. I bring my face next to her mouth to feel her warm breath. I breathe. I kiss her head. I repeat.

‍

This endless loop goes on and on. Throughout my short maternity leave, after my maternity leave, the end of my fourth trimester, the arrival of our first guest at her four-month birthday, the move to a new city, the vaccine, the summer sunshine. I seemed to shrink into a bigger and more foggier hole.

‍

Finally, on her 10 month birthday, I was making a game plan with my husband to get groceries and he casually suggested that I take our baby Alden to the store with me. “What? You mean take her by myself?” He might as well have been asking me to swallow fire.

‍

“No, no, no. There’s no way I could go out in public alone with the baby. What if something bad happens? I wouldn’t know what to do. I would blame myself. You would blame me.” Just the thought makes me lose my breath and panic.

‍

My husband holds my hand. “I’ll go to the grocery store.”

‍

Later in bed we debrief the day. Analyze our parenting moves. Did we make the best choices? Do we agree?

‍

He tells me about how the baby smiled at everyone in the grocery store. She makes direct eye contact and smiles with all six of her teeth, as if to say, “hello, you beautiful stranger.”

‍

What a way to approach the world.

‍

“I’m sad that you don’t have these one on one bonding experiences with the baby. You are missing these opportunities to connect with her.”

‍

I had let fear take the wheel and dictate my every move with my baby. My eyes filled with tears at the realization of what I had been giving up. The memories and experiences that could have been shared.

‍

I wasn’t going to let another moment go by. The next day I set an appointment with a psychiatrist and was promptly diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. Much like learning the term “racism” to identify the oppressive conditions around me, I felt a huge sense of relief in knowing what it was. Of naming it. Of identifying it. Of having agency with it.

‍

I also could see I was not alone. I couldn’t help but wonder how much suffering could have been avoided had I and so many other parents been given federal paid parental leave; and yet the United States remains one of only a few countries in the world without any national paid family leave policy and the only high-income country without one. Only 17 percent of U.S. private-sector workers have access to paid family leave through their employers, and this access is highly unequal — meaning that low-income workers have much less access than their higher-income counterparts.

‍

As a small startup nonprofit organization, that means the impetus and cost is on us to budget and prioritize, and many organizations simply aren’t in a position to offer paid parental leave. Embracing Equity strives to prioritize paid time off for our team as an intentional disruption to our society valuing work product over humanity. But all of these priorities have a real, felt cost that end up impacting the health and sustainability of the organization.

‍

Current federal law under the 1993 Family and Medical Leave Act, requires 12 weeks of job-protected unpaid leave but stringent eligibility requirements mean that less than two-thirds of the U.S. workforce is eligible. Not surprisingly, the research shows that paid parental leave improves child health and development and maternal well-being, and paid leave at the federal level could help children from all backgrounds, curb the growth in inequality, and boost long-term U.S. economic growth and stability. It both breaks my heart and enrages my soul that this opportunity for systemic change has been lost yet again in the most recent iteration of President Biden’s bill through Congress.

‍

This is not something we should be fighting for and losing. We deserve this time and support. This is a clear way of embracing equity.

‍

Thankfully, there are people hard at work to advocate for parental leave and maternal well being. I’m amplifying the efforts of:

• MomsRising Together
• National Partnership for Women and Families
• Postpartum Support International - HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773

For me, at 10 months postpartum, I went on a treatment plan and started with tiny steps in spending time alone with the baby: walks around the neighborhood, staying at home, going to Target for 5 minutes, the doctor’s appointment.

‍

I’m not free of the fear and worry. I’m just not victim to its charms. I recognize it. I acknowledge it even. And then I release it. I breathe. I think of my happy, healthy, brilliant baby Alden and I am full of purpose, determination, gratitude, and love.